I know better, but you’re still around

Hey guys. I’m so sorry it’s been so long. Sometimes the writers block just hits me out of nowhere and it takes me weeks or months to find the right words again. Thankfully, I can almost always count on Christmas to be one of the times where I can shake off the cobwebs a bit. I think it’s safe to say that this has been an incredibly hard year. The first few months were like one of those awful melatonin-induced dreams where you feel like all the worst things happen to you at once. Losing Miss Joyce was the worst of it by far and without question. I never in a million years would have ever expected to be giving her eulogy in 2024. Her loss sent shockwaves through all of us that I suspect will ripple infinitely across time for the rest of our lives. And now, thinking about her at Christmas, it really makes me marvel at the tricks the human mind can play. Because if I were to close my eyes right now, I could picture her wrapping presents for her granddaughters in her den with her favorite Elvis Christmas music playing in the background and her fabulous, colorful Christmas tree behind her. I can see it so clearly that it must be real. I can feel her hug and hear her voice as if she’s standing before me right now. And that’s the thing. It was real, it IS real. Just not right now. That’s the beauty of memory. Those moments are alive in our hearts and minds. They are frozen. Time capsules. So that Miss Joyce and so many others may not be with us physically right now, but they are ALIVE in our memories. And they will always always be there.

Just as grandpa George will always be in his recliner or his designated spot at the kitchen table. Just as grandmama will always be polishing her silver in her kitchen overlooking Jeremy creek. Just as uncle Robert will always be cheering on the Clemson Tigers. Just as Oriana will always be jumping Tootsie over cross rails or sliding down my stairs at a sleepover. Just as my Lily Rose will always be kicking me in my right rib or flipping around like a little acrobat. As long as we can remember these moments, they are alive. They exist because we exist and we remember. So I implore you, this holiday season, don’t push away those memories because they make you sad. Sadness sucks. Sadness is absolute shit. I know that and I hate it. But sadness is the price we pay to remember. And remembering means they’re never truly gone. I think Taylor Swift said it perfectly in her song Marjorie:

And if I didn't know better

I'd think you were singing to me now

If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

I know better

But I still feel you all around

I know better

But you're still around

If I didn’t know any better, I could blink and in an instant everyone who I’d ever lost would be right there. Just as they always were. Just as they live inside my head and heart. Keeping their memories alive is a privilege and an honor. And for every person who I’ve ever lost, including most especially my sweet baby flower, I would never trade having known them for anything this world could offer me. For the pain of losing them is a testament to the magnitude of their existence. So, this Christmas, I am choosing to remember. To hold dear each memory and recognize just how lucky I am to have so many to look back on. And while I think that I’ll always be a little blue at Christmas, I am also keenly aware that to have known such love in my lifetime is a blessing. And one that I’ll never take lightly. I hope that you all have a Merry Christmas and that the new year brings you everything you could hope for.

Xoxo,

Marina