Season 5

Hey everyone!

I’m sorry that it’s been so long since my last update (I say that as if any of you are really waiting around for the latest installment of my incoherent ramblings lol). 2024 so far has felt like someone threw me into a big drum dryer with a bunch of rocks and turned it on the highest setting. But, as I tell Brandon all the time, each new day is an opportunity to be our best selves and search for happiness in every moment. So with that in mind, I’m trying to be mindful that I deserve to have as much patience with myself as I would with anyone else who had been through the same struggles that I have faced these past 7 months. I feel like I’m finally starting to find a sense of peace again. Not to say that the day to day of chronic anxiety doesn’t still eat at me sometimes. The grief that marred the first half of this year still lurks in the shadows. But it also gives me pause. Because when my anxiety rears its ugly head, I can remind myself of the things that I’ve survived. Of the sadness and despondency that I have carried. And in that recollection the problems I face day to day tend not to feel quite so monstrous after all. For maybe the first time ever, I feel like I can trust myself. And that is a feeling that no one can put a price on. But with that, comes a certain set of growing pains, knowing that I’m moving into a new space in my life.

It’s an odd feeling to be able to see the chapters of your life so clearly delineated. As I come to the close of living in this apartment, my “starting over” apartment, I’ve come to the realization that I have this weird ability to see such clear cut phases of my story. Maybe everyone can do this. Or maybe it’s reserved for those of us who have become painfully self aware through years of therapy. Either way, it’s simultaneously wonderful and awful, having the ability to recognize when a period of time is meant to be over. My journey in this apartment was a real testament to my individuality. After leaving my husband and landing with family for almost a year, moving in here meant starting my life the way I wanted it to be. Not the way it was “supposed” to be and not the way anyone else wanted it. I surrounded myself with pink and girly and glitter and jewelry. I hung up a poster of Renoir’s The Dancer and Maren Devine’s Warrior Girls. I filled my walls with pictures of family and friends to remind myself that I wasn’t alone. I went on bad date after bad date and got my heart broken. But I always got up and kept going. These were my true single girl days. The trials and tribulations of starting over. Figuring it all out in a way that felt out of order with how life “should” go. But in the best way for me nonetheless.

And now here I am, with a boyfriend that I love dearly. Someone that I genuinely love to be around. Something that in my bleakest moments I thought may never happen for me. Obviously life is still not without its struggles. And he and I are still learning and growing as people and in this relationship. But I would choose that every time over pretending everything is perfect. Because the truth is that everything we do in life is a chance. And now, as my second year in this apartment comes to a close, Brandon and I have decided to move in together. A venture that I’m both nervous and excited for. But one that feels right. Like the perfect start to my next chapter. As I move into this new beginning, I take every version of myself with me. The happiest and most heartbroken. Because each chapter has shaped me into who I am. I would be nowhere without all of the iterations of myself that came before - even the ones I didn’t care for so much. So in the words of Snoop: “I wanna thank me for believing in me.” Because without old Marina, none of this would have been possible. I wish I could go back and hug her. Tell her that it will all be worth it. That she will come out the other side - well equipped to deal with life struggles as they come. But in lieu of finding a way to travel back in time to make that happen, I’ll just say that I’m proud of myself. And there was a time I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say that.

So welcome everyone to Season 5 (not sure when I started numbering but let’s go with 5). It’s sure going to be an interesting one.