A New Beginning

Hello again everyone! Sorry for the bit of a break I took. It's been a busy few weeks. And please forgive any spelling or grammar mistakes in this one - I wrote it in my notes app and I'm not in an editing mood. So enjoy every raw and unedited word of it. Every now and then, I sit back and take stock of my journey. Really go back into the minutiae of my past hurdles and choices as a way to learn but also to celebrate how far I’ve come. Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about the person that I was when I left my marriage. Or fled might be a better term for it. I had spent the 6 or 7 weeks from thanksgiving to Christmas of 2021 jobless, rootless, and unsure of my future. My aunt and uncle had generously offered me a place to stay, and I’m sure they’d agree when I say I waffled between bouts of mania (the kitchen got a few good scrub downs) and depression. I had given up my whole life for the mere prospect of a brighter future and had just been majorly duped by “Vernon” (a story that was told in a previous blog post - feel free to look back and refresh your memory). I was utterly broken. Unhinged. I felt unworthy of love, especially self love, and I was so vastly and completely empty. The hole my daughter’s loss had punched through my heart was large enough to drive a barge through. It was as if I was trying to bail out a sinking ship with a teaspoon. The trauma kept pouring in and there were moments where I almost let it pull me under.

So here we are in the midst of my heartbreak. I had decided it was time for some forward momentum so I started applying for jobs. Any jobs. All jobs I was qualified for. And I got one response the day after Christmas that seemed promising. A small firm in a part of Mt. Pleasant close to McClellanville was hiring and wanted to interview me. I remember feeling like a shell of a person. Going through my aunt’s closet trying to find something appropriate to wear to a job interview since I barely had any of my own things with me at the time. The trauma of that alone, feeling so displaced, it’s hard to even articulate. But we settled on an understated dress and my one nice pair of shoes that I had with me. And I put on the necklace my aunt had given me for Christmas a few days earlier. It’s an oyster. And when she gave it to me, she took me aside and told me that the world is my oyster and she wanted to make sure I knew that. I hope she knows I’ll never forget that moment. I went into this job interview with low expectations. Not for them, but for myself. I was doing my best and that’s all I could ask for at the time. I recall vividly when the question of why I moved back here came up. I remember looking down at my hand where the indentation was from the rings I had decided not to wear anymore had been - all the while trying to vaguely explain that I had to leave my husband “rather abruptly” or something to that effect. Trying to say that you ran away from your abusive marriage in a corporate way is harder than you might think. And then the unthinkable happened. They offered me the job on the spot. I took the night, slept on it, and accepted the offer the next day.

When I tell you I had the worst bout of imposter syndrome when I started there. I felt like a total fraud. I didn’t understand how these people could be trusting me to do such an important job when my entire personal life was in shambles. Or ashes really. Vaporized and blitzed into a million tiny decimated pieces. But it turns out, by an interesting twist of fate (or by the fact that I’m a smart and hardworking person) I ended up being really good at the job. And in the end, it became the only source of confidence I had in myself for months. It saved me in more ways than one. And it also brought so many really wonderful people into my life. A true cast of characters who have really enriched my story. So I am incredibly thankful that Tom took a chance on me. That Jackie made such an effort to be my friend. And that Zach accepted the fact that I was going to make him my friend whether he liked it or not. And while the work may be stressful, the people have made it infinitely more wonderful. I needed this opportunity more than I even realized in that season of my life. And I’m grateful for it.

But I was also thinking recently, and bear with me here while I try to explain this, that in my life I have experienced some truly gut wrenching and inexplicable pain. But mixed in with all of that trauma have been some truly beautiful moments. Gloriously real. Sometimes messy. But absolutely wonderful in their own right. And that’s the real prize of living my life for me now. The authenticity brings the color back into everything. No more greyscale. Only the brightest color from now on.