April Memories

Hello everyone! This has already felt like the longest week ever (as I say literally every week). I wanted to start by apologizing for the long stretch between posts. I have had major writer's block recently. I keep having these fleeting pseudo-ideas that never can quite get off the ground. Things have been pretty steady as of late. I've developed a solid routine between work, friends, dating, and "me" time. But that missing piece still seems to be there, lurking, as it always is. I find myself working double time to calm that frenetic energy. I think sometimes that I got so used to living in fight or flight that I'm not accustomed to a peaceful sense of being. For now, I'm gonna stay steady on the tracks and hope to ride that antsy feeling out. Summer is coming and you never know what could happen. The possibilities are endless.

Sometimes it can be incredibly hard to tell where I am in my healing journey. I'm searching tirelessly for clues as to how far I've come and what I have yet to accomplish. But I experienced something this past weekend that was such an incredible indicator for me. A true gift. And I wanted to share it with you all. I went to a wedding of a childhood friend on Saturday night. First, let me say I was so honored to have been included. The couple are just the sweetest people and the day was gorgeous. But for my personal journey, it was so special because it was a time where I could tell a marked difference in my inner peace, my sense of self, and my overall anxiety.

I used to be petrified of large group gatherings. And looking back on it now, I think it ties into my incredibly low self esteem that I'm pretty sure I've had since the beginning of time. But we won't unpack that whole mess right now. My point is that I used to be so nervous to be around people. MY people. Friends and even some family who I have known for as long as I can remember. There were too many questions. Too many variables. Where would I sit and who would I talk to and how would I look to everyone and would I stand out too much....? The mental waterboarding went on and on. Well, it used to anyway. Because this event felt like a watershed moment. It was a big group of us squeezed in around a large round table. Generations mixing. Moms and dads and siblings and friends. And I felt like myself. And that wasn't scary anymore. I allowed myself the space to breathe. And to shine. To really shine in a way I never allowed myself to before. Not in the literal sense, but in the way of knowing that I am value added. I matter. My presence, just like the presence of everyone at that table, is a gift. There was once a time where I never would have believed that. Some days I can't believe I'm finally here.

I will look back on that night so fondly. Remembering the glimmering smiles and the glow of the string lights and the laughter ringing through the warm April night air. And I was able to take it all in because I wasn't crippled by anxiety. I have finally taken my life back. Sometimes it's as if I am meeting my true self for the first time. And you know what? This bitch is kinda cool. So I'll end by saying a huge thank you to Kacie and Grant for having me on their special day. It meant more to me than you know. And to all of you, thank you for following along. I'm still in awe that anyone reads this damn thing.