Dreams

I had a dream about my daughter last night. This is the first time in over two years that she’s visited me this way. It’s funny because I didn’t know it was her in the moment. But looking back on it now, I think how could it not be? She was swaddled and wide awake. Happy and quiet. Looking at me with big, dark, inquisitive eyes. But the nursery was half finished. And I couldn’t stop fiddling with the crib - trying to get it just right. I remember frantically searching for the premie diapers. This is partly why I know it had to have been her. She was an itty bitty thing - 4 lbs and 13 oz on the day we finally got to meet at almost 36 weeks gestation. A petite queen. In the dream I searched and searched but I couldn’t find them. Probably because in this life I never needed them. And my mind knew that. As I scrambled around the room, in a house I didn’t recognize, she never took her eyes off me. And she never uttered a peep. I think she wanted me to know she’s okay. She’s content and comfortable. And she knows me. She knows me and she sees me and in her own way she looks up to me.

I want to burn this dream into my mind. I've been going over it al day - trying to commit each piece to memory. Because the reality is, I have no idea if she'll ever visit me again. And that is an agony I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I can't put into words what I would give for just one moment with her. A real, tangible moment. One true and complete memory. I would throw myself into the fire, walk on broken glass, give up every earthly possession for just one second with my girl. And this dream brought all of that despondency and grief and longing right back to the surface.

If you think about it though, there is a certain beauty to that pain. Lily Rose's little yet monumental existence puts everything into perspective. So while of course I’m devastated to know that I’ll only ever see her in my dreams, I’m grateful for the hard-reset this has done on my outlook and attitude. The petty things don’t matter. But you know what does? My self worth. My relationships with my family and friends. My ability to believe in myself. Those are my north stars - guiding me through all the bullshit. So I thank the universe for showing me exactly what I needed to see. It seems crazy to think that just yesterday I told a few people how I’d been so down but I couldn’t put me finger on an exact cause. I just had ennui. Melancholia. Unease. But then in came my little Lil. My whole heart - always and forever - reminding me of what a gift it is to be alive.