Fill Your Own Cup

Sometimes I really feel like my life is the embodiment of the saying "Rome wasn't built in a day." There are mornings when I wake up feelings so whole, so healed, so at peace. Other days, I'm wracked with anxiety having suffered from horrendously realistic and gut wrenching nightmares and desperate to take a vacation from my own mind. I used to believe that one day I'd just suddenly realize I was healed. As if life could somehow be pain, pain, pain, and then boom. Fixed. Like one change of scenery was all it took for things to be different. I know now that that's not the case. Healing is a series of small victories. It's incremental and turbulent and messy. But it's also raw and beautiful and moving. Because with each step, even in our weakest moments or when we make a mistake, we begin to realize that we are so much more than our shortcomings. And therein lies the true evidence of progress. Because the truth is, we won't ever stop messing up. But we can stop beating ourselves up and in learning to do that we can achieve real freedom.

I realize my intro feels very flowery and poetic, but doesn't seem to have any real substance to it. But fear not, there is a real story to back up my waxing poetic. As y'all know from one of my last posts, I was recently broken up with (if you can even call it that when we weren't "official"). But no matter how you label it, it was disappointing and discouraging. Dating sucks. Dating in Charleston specifically sucks extra hard. So this was a real blow to my confidence and my hope for something good to come out of the last month that I had spent getting to know this person. And in light of this disappointment, I did the standard post-breakup thing. I had a rebound. A very classic, very fun, very whirlwind rebound (I'll let y'all fill in the blanks here). I may still continue to see this person or I may not, depending on how I feel. But I'm not putting much stock into it at the moment, and I finally know how to recognize the signs and protect myself if things start to become negative. It took me months to get to that point, and I'm honestly proud of myself for having this level of emotional stability. Were my actions reactionary? Yes. Do I sometimes lack impulse control? Absolutely. But will sitting around and punishing myself every second for something that is in no way inherently bad or immoral be beneficial? Not at all.

In a shocking twist, when I spoke to my therapist about the whole situation, this being the therapist who I've had since I lost my daughter over 2 years ago, I was shamed and judged and lectured for the act of rebounding. She brought up scare tactics in order to get me to act the way that she would prefer. And in one fell swoop a monumental boundary had been crossed. This was supposed to be a place where I could safely evaluate my actions, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I have never once shied away from looking my detrimental behaviors square in the eye. But life isn't black and white and just because she has a preference for how I should behave, doesn't make her opinion the correct one. I'm aware that there are differing views on the role a counselor should have. But it was understood that she was never supposed to tell me what to do - only to help me understand WHY I was doing what I was doing. Her opinion, views, and/or moral compass was never supposed to enter the conversation. I have a mom. If I wanted to be mothered, I would have called her. And I did, the next morning, when I was sobbing and feeling like a complete and utter failure. Yet again, the bottom falls out from under me. Except thankfully, this time, I was strong enough to rally, send a thoughtfully written message, and set my boundaries back into place. I'm not sure what this will mean for my therapy sessions going forward, but I have been clear about what I will not listen to and discuss and any other decisions will be made in due time.

Sometimes I wonder if it's this difficult for other people. Dating and life and love. I don't think the things I'm searching for are all that crazy. I won't fully go into my wish list now since I've basically written the great American novel about being slut shamed by my therapist. But I will say that as the weeks and months pass by, my inner peace grows and that is something I almost never believed would happen. I cannot tell you how elated I am to finally see some damn progress. Now, I don't tend to find pop stars all that prolific for the most part, but I did recently see this clip of Harry Styles talking at a concert and for some reason it has really stuck with me. He said "fill your own cup and let them fall in love with the overflow." And that is exactly what I intend to do.

(Here's me filling my own cup)