I think that this is when it’s over for me

Hello dear dear readers. If y'all would be so kind, please do me a favor and listen to "Mountian with a View" by Kelsea Ballerini before you read this. It'll all make much more sense once you do. As always, thank you for coming on this journey with me. The catharsis is real 💗

I think that this is when it’s over for me. On the day of my wedding hair and makeup trials. When we fought and I cried and you were apathetic. About to just watch me walk away without a second thought. And every day I wonder why I didn’t let you.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you ruined the night of our engagement party. Stormed home and made me cry. And refused to go back to my hometown with a smile on your face from that day forward. When you consigned me to a life torn between the people I loved, who raised me and watched me grow, and the man who presented himself to the world as my other half.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When we moved to a new city to advance your career at a job you got through my connections. Where I was lonely, desperate for human connection, and you refused to help us make any friends..

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When my mom came to see us for Easter and you refused to get out of bed. I pleaded with you for what felt like hours to no avail. And my mom was left to pick up the tear-filled pieces.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you didn’t plan a single date for us until you knew it was too late.

I think that this is when it's over for me. When you parentified me. Expecting me to cook and clean and show you how to do all these things that you'd never bothered to learn before. All the while reminding you to do the things you promised to take care of.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you let your family treat me with indifference. Some with open hostility. And refused to help facilitate a connection to smooth the changing dynamics. You allowed them to believe the worst in me without a second thought.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you got blackout drunk at the Fourth of July celebrations with my family and tried to force yourself on me. Relentless and angry. Making me cry in front of everyone.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you refused to make an effort with my friends. Making rash judgements about people who you never even gave a chance.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you’d get angry driving us somewhere. And use your position behind the wheel to drive recklessly and assert your power and dominance over me.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you’d wake up morning after morning irate and blind with rage. Screaming. Throwing things. Pushing me out of your way. Letting me live in a perpetual state of panic that I’d set you off and never knowing what version of you I’d see in the mornings.

I think that this is when it's over for me. When you used me as target practice for all of your misplaced anger. Conning everyone into thinking you were an easy going and congenial man as I lived cowering in your shadow.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you’d get drunk and threaten to take your keys and drive somewhere in order to get what you wanted.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you raised your fist to hit me while I was carrying your child.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When I was deathly afraid that you would treat our daughter the way you treated me.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When you pressured me to be intimate with you when I was grieving the loss of our child. Barely 4 months healed. And telling you in no uncertain terms that I’m too heartbroken to even think about those things.

I think that this is when it’s over for me. When I finally realized that abuse isn’t always physical.

So in the words of Miss Ballerini

I think that this is when is when it’s over for me

I think that this is when I cut the tie loose

I think that this is when I set myself free