Not all those who wander are lost

Hi everyone. I'm sorry for the month long hiatus. Things have been busier than ever and each day is spent trying to carve out my place in this world little by little (while also earning a living and trying to survive as inflation skyrockets and wages stagnate.... but I digress). So far this summer has been filled with much more self care than all the ones that came before. I've been doing things just because I enjoy them. And somewhere deep down each time I go to the gym or the beach or wherever it is that I want to, just because I want to, I feel that giddiness and glee of real freedom. I was telling my therapist recently that I used to long for this day. Dream of it. Hope for it. Wish for it's arrival with steadfast dedication. All I wanted over the past two years, and maybe forever, was a sense of security. That being the antithesis of anxiety. I dreamt of feeling so centered and sure and complete that I could stand on my own two feet without question, doubt, or hesitation. And now here we are. And how beautiful it is. I feel like I can breathe easier. The world seems brighter and warmer and infinitely more hopeful.

With all of that being said, things aren't always flowery and rainbows and tied up in a nice little bow. There's this intense dichotomy, this pull, between being happy and secure alone and that desperate and innate desire for companionship that's ingrained within all of us. I sometimes wonder if humans are hardwired to always be searching for their better half. Maybe that's why so many of us concede to whoever is the easy choice. Because the journey can be so taxing. Wandering as if we're lost in the desert. Searching so desperately for our oasis that some of us settle for a mirage. And so much of dating culture these days is just that shallow. That surface. And cheap. Scrolling and swiping and choosing who to talk to based on some pictures and a haphazardly written bio. There's as much science to it as picking a rando up off the street corner. But that basic human desire for affection and connection keeps us going.

Through all of this I'm so often times I'm left wondering how I could ever find someone who would really understand. All of my layers. Every facet of my personality. And love me and respect me for all of it. Who else will appreciate the wonder and magnitude of a night sky? Who will love a nice dinner out and a quiet evening in? Who will understand that I love fishing just as much as shopping? Or that I love art and architecture and poetry? Who will want to travel the world and stare at paintings and be moved by the emotions they evoke? Who will want to sit by the creek with me and listen to the cicadas? Or walk in the woods on cold evenings and watch the ducks fly home to roost? Who will love my family and treasure them for the wonderful, crazy, beautiful people that they are? And who will understand me when I say that sometimes the monotony of it all makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs into the abyss? Is there anyone out there who will appreciate the way I see the world? And want the same things that I do out of life. Or will I forever be stuck on this never ending carousel of learning someone's favorite color and being asked for pictures that I can't mention in polite society only to be ghosted or talked down to or something off of the typical menu of disappointment. How regularly I ponder if this shallow cesspool is all that's left - if this is what society has come to now? All I can really do is hold out hope that one day I'll find my person. I won't settle for any mirage, as much as I may want to. Because this is exhausting. But the things that are worthy of the most exertion and effort are very often the most beautiful. Ans beautiful things are worth the wait.

So in the words of Tolkien, I'll leave you with this. I think you'll find it pretty relevant to my point:

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost."

My goal now is to remain steadfast in finding myself. All with the hope that one day, everything will fall right into the place it was always meant to.

Some of the beautiful places and things I've been lucky enough to see: