This is *almost* 27

Hello again family, friends, and anyone else who has decided to join me here on this journey. I'm sorry it's been so long. I can't believe my 27th birthday is in 2 days (presents not expected, but always appreciated lol). Whenever I think of turning 27, I'm always reminded of that scene from Pride and Prejudice. The one where her friend decides to marry Mr. Collins out of convenience. She tells Lizzy something to the effect of "I'm 27 years old. I have no money and no prospects. And I'm frightened." I usually joke that I feel like her, even though I have decent money and prospects and I'm not nearly as frightened as I used to be.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still scared. The world is an unpredictable place. But when I think back to where I was on my 26th birthday, I can't help but be a little proud. I haven't made any real tangible accomplishments. I'm still in the same job and the same apartment. But in the day to day, I'm happier. More at peace. I feel like a whole person for the first time in my life. I can live in the moment. Take in a memory. Soak in the good feelings. Accept the struggles for what they are. And I've unearthed a level of confidence in myself and my abilities that I didn't know existed. I continuously move up the bar for what I will accept for myself - especially when it comes to dating. I know what I want - and my non-negotiables are clear. And when I look in the mirror, I may not see the most absolutely drop dead knockout gorgeous face in the entire world. But you know what I do see? I see someone who never gave up. I see a person who never became a victim of circumstance. I see a loyal, kind, and empathetic friend. I see a hardworking, diligent, steadfast problem solver. I see a woman who has been willing to look at herself in the metaphorical mirror time and time again to pinpoint and understand her faults. I see mother who has suffered. A daughter who is loved. Someone with a sense of humor who enjoys bringing a smile to the faces of those around her. A person with incredible integrity and quick wit. And within that complexity, I see someone beautiful. Maybe for the first time ever.

Allowing myself the space to have hard days has been the most difficult aspect of growth. I used to try and chase away the negative feelings. But in the same way death and taxes are inevitable, so is eventually being lapped by the demons you're trying to outrun. My anxiety still gets me some days. And my grief. My birthday is always such a bittersweet moment. Because it marks another year without my daughter. I grow older and she never will. And this is a fact that requires radical acceptance if I'm going to keep moving forward. Last year on my birthday someone (actually we'll name drop Austin because he was a POS who stole my money) told me that my birthday was the one day I shouldn't think about her. Because it was a day about me. As if my life and her existence could ever be separated. She and I are inextricably linked. Her very existence gave me purpose and ripped me right in half all at once. She is my reason for being. But missing her still takes my breath away. One day, I hope to meet someone who can understand what a monumental load it is that I carry, and love be because and not in spite of it.

So as I await the big 2-7 on Monday, I think about the wonderful support system of people who have allowed me the space to make so many mistakes. Who always knew this version of me was in there somewhere. Who have held on through so many seasons of my life. And who continue to bring me so much joy.