Too Much and Not Enough

Do y’all ever feel like things are too much and not enough all at once? Okay. I know I sound crazy. But I had this thought today. As if I’m simultaneously overwhelmed and yet acutely aware that something is missing. Overstimulated but empty. Inundated and yet somehow void. I’m starting to sound too much like Alanis Morrissette for my liking so I’ll stop there. You get what I mean anyway. Work is crazy busy. My social calendar is more booked up than it’s ever been. But despite all of this, some days I’m still incomprehensibly lonely. Yearning for something that I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe that’s just the nature of the biz when it comes to grief and divorce. Shit sucks sometimes. And we gotta play the cards we are dealt.

I like to think of trauma as my silent business partner these days. Still ever present, but much less vocal than in those early months. I’ve encountered a whole host of things over the past few weeks that have illustrated my self growth so clearly and beautifully. One of those instances I've been reluctant to talk about because it involves who some would consider an innocent bystander. But the story is so relevant to my journey that I think I have to write it - without naming any names. I had started seeing someone recently that I thought was a real prospect (Jokes on me as per usual lol). I was being pursued enthusiastically and that felt amazing for a change. For our third date, he came over and we were cooking dinner together. When discussing a plan we had made for the next night, he suddenly backed out, and I was visibly upset. Cut to about three minutes later - he's having a full blown anxiety attack and meltdown in my apartment. Said breakdown lasted around 2 hours. I was stunned. I don't see men cry often. And I am 100% supportive of guys showing emotion. But this was completely uncharted territory for me. As we talked, and he cried, I realized he had a severe and distressing anxiety disorder - coupled with depression issues. Now, what old Marina would have done, is continue to see this guy out of a sense of pity. Because I felt needed. And because I could potentially "fix" him. But this healed version of me knows that people have to heal themselves for themselves. Not for anyone else. And no one can do it for them. So I did what I could to deftly walk that line between empathy and boundaries. I listened intently, but the longer it went on the more I knew that I had to draw a line in the sand for me own mental health. And in that moment I saw so distinctly how much of my own anxiety I have conquered. And holy shit am I grateful that I put in all those months of work. I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that a guy cried in my apartment for over 2 hours. I had an emotional hangover the whole next day. But it just goes to show that we're all on our own journey - let's try to treat each other with kindness as much as we can.

My divorce party was another clear demarcation of how far I have come in my healing journey. This was one of the first times that I've been able to go out with my friends without being preoccupied with anything else. Not thinking about guys or any other stresses. Just me and the women who have supported me unconditionally throughout this process. It's been a whirlwind to say the least. But these ladies are warriors and have kept up with me through every high and low of it all. This party was an amazing night - filled with laughter and gossip and dancing and tequila shots. This tribe of women gives me so much strength - reminding me of the immeasurable blessing that is true friendship. And for the first time in a long time I felt centered. And joyful. And free. From this point on, my life moves forward with a reignited zeal, a newfound determination, and rekindled hope. Because even on the days where I feel both overstimulated and empty - I'm grounded in the realization that for the first time, maybe ever, I really do love myself. And everything else can be figured out with time and patience. Healing is weird. It feels like breaking in a pair of new shoes. But the longer you go, the more steps you take, the easier it becomes. And one day, maybe without even realizing it, you'll be in that old familiar pair of sneakers. Comfortable and secure. And ready to take on the world.